So yeah, where exactly have you been Abbie?

So yeah, where exactly have you been Abbie?

An explanation explaining my absence 


So yeah, I've been gone for a while, much longer than I was planning to be gone but gone none the less.

So why was I away for so long? Where was I? What was happening? Well the answer to these questions are the same thing:

A sever episode in my depression and anxiety disorder.

You see, it's been a stressful time in my life recently what with getting my exam results, finding out if I got into university or not, starting to feel less and less confident in my own life decisions and this lead to me entering my "episode" as we'll call it.

I was stuck in a vicious cycle. My anxiety was convincing my brain that I had failed my exams, and that made my depression kick in and say "well if you have failed, what's the point of getting up and doing anything? The past 3 years at college have been a waste of your life so you might as well rest the waste of it" so for days at a time I wasn't even getting out of bed. Then get again the anxiety would come-a knocking and say "if you have failed, then you're going to have disappointed everyone around you. Your mum, your dad, your boyfriend, your grandma, your aunts, everyone who cared about you. They'll all be disappointed". It turns out with this line of thought the depression wanted to join and say "anxiety's right, if your going to be a disappointment, they won't want to even see your face, you might as well just stay hidden away for the rest of your life"...

And then results day arrived. 

I could have got my results online but I've always gone in to get my results so I had the paper copy straight away and that wasn't gong to change. So I dragged myself out of bed, made myself look as presentable as I could and walked into college with my mum by my side to find out my fate.

After months of hard work, literal blood sweat and tears, worrying from me and my family, the sleepless nights and the panic attacks I found out what that fate was.

I passed. I actually passed. I can't believe it, I passed. I PASSED!!!!

I got a distinction star in biology Subsidary diploma, a C in AS level mathematical studies and a B in Business studies.

I was going to start university, I didn't make my family proud of me, I even had my picture taken for local newspapers, not because they were the highest grades in the college (not by a long shot) by because of the fact that the college know all my struggles with mental health problems and my family problems and despite all this I came out with very respectable grades and that was something to celebrate. 

And I did celebrate, in the only at I know. I brought my self some large balls of wool to knit when I got home and went shopping in the local town with my mum for 4 hours. To many that may seem weird for a 19 year old girl to do, but to me it's when I'm at my happiest so it's what I did.

 It also helped me understand that yes, chances are my depression and anxiety will always be a part of me, and it doesn't have to control me or be the main part of my personality. 

My name is Abigail, and yes, I have depression and an anxiety disorder, but I also happen to be starting university in less than 2 weeks to study food development and innovation, I love to knit and crochet and feel proud when I go out in something I have made myself and most importantly, I now feel able to share this will you all.

No longer do I feel like I have to hide from the rest if the world for the rest of my life, so you can expect to be hearing a lot more from me in the future as I start this new chapter in my life: university life.

So, that's my story. The story of why I've been away for so long. But NO MORE!! I'm back for good now and I want to continue to show that people with mental health problems need and deserve help and that very often we can do whatever someone without these problems can do; it's just that sometimes rather than taking the most direct route there we'll take the scenic route.

But that's all from me for now, I'll be back very soon and please feel free to leave comments down below with questions you may have for me or of what you'd like to see me post about, but for now:

Stay happy, stay healthy, from Abbie xx


Comments

  1. Congrats for doing well! I'm glad you felt better and pushed yourself to go get your results! As someone who has anxiety, I commend you for being brave and sharing your story!

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